Today is February 19th. It's an inauspicious day to say the least. Valentine's day plus five. David's third day away of a five day business trip. It's a midway marker of a month that (in Vancouver at least) doesn't know if it wants to be spring or winter.
... today it was spring, warm and sunny with crystal blue skies ...
Today is the day that Ranger was due.
I half cringe, half smile typing that name. It's so ridiculous that it's hard to take seriously.
I look at my two children now, one an increasingly independent preschooler, one a toddler still holding hands with his babyhood, and I wonder what it would have meant to have a third little one right now. How would I have coped?
Which is silly, really, because we always cope in the end.
Today I was looking up the questions SciFi Dad had sent me in December when I was stuck in a bloggy mire and looking for inspiration. I never got around to posting them, so I thought I would today. Unfortunately, most are out of date and Christmas holiday related. But he did ask (and gave me the option of opting out), "With two boys, do you want a third baby, or do you want a girl?"
The question being asked doesn't bother me. This is the question that swirls around constantly in my head. For months it was how I started and ended each day. Now it's relegated to the background, a quiet hum that vibrates through me.
I can't decide. Do we try for a fourth child? Do we adopt? Are we done? How old is too old to keep having children?
...
It's hard to be sad on a day like today. One that is sunny and warm and pretty despite its nineteenth-ishness. And it's hard to be sad because as David and I often marvel, no matter what, our family is perfect.
I just wonder, could it be, should it be, just a little more perfect?
Thursday, February 19, 2009
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8 Heard through the grapevine:
I wondered what became of those questions...
I'm sorry for what you're going through right now. I cannot imagine it.
(Also, for the record, my question was more about whether your desire for another child was rooted in wanting a girl, implying that if one of your first two had been a girl, you would be less likely to want a third.)
I feel this intense urge to bust through my computer screen and paw around until I find you so I can give you a hug. I know you say this day isn't a day for tears, so I'm going to blink away the ones I have in my eye after reading this. I have a date I always remember for a baby I never had the blessing to meet, and some years that date seems 'less,' but still...
My mind has also been racing with many of the same questions you've been having, but you and David are right. There is a sense that things are perfect in their own way, too.
Oh, Mandy, you know I know how you feel. And you expressed it beautifully. xoxo on this nothing-something day.
SD -- Hmmm... it was rooted in a third child for us, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that we hoped for a girl. I think if we were to adopt, we might aim for a girl.
And, personally, I think four children is better dynamic than four. But, heck, the thought of four boys... yikes!
I think you have to listen to your heart--if your family doesn't "feel" complete than I would do what it takes to complete it.
You indomitable spirit is shining through in this wonderful post.
I often wonder if we will ever get a little bit more perfect too.
Mandy,
This post was very touching. Feb 19th; even though it may seem like a "nothing day", what comes through is that it's a day full of questions without answers, yearnings, and musings. Powerful post.
February 19th will never be a nothing day...
((HUGS))
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